It’s 2011! They got a solution for everything and the solution for a shady boyfriend is TECHNOLOGY.

With technology at our finger tips now we can have our man there too.

-Jackie 2011

Track his every step with an android

You ever ask him where he is and for some reason it just feels like he is lying?

With any of the top  9 android gps apps he can say whatever he likes because you’ll know the truth in two seconds!

You’ll be able to locate him without having to call them. And since we’ve become so adept at using social networks anyway, this is just one more tool added to the toolbox.

Take him off the market with a FaceBook Marriage

It’s the cheapest and easiest marriage of your life. No contracts or paperwork and if it comes to a tragic end, it’s over in one click not months of court and court fees.

Check it out here: facebook hickey

Know EVERYTHING he does online

I WARN YOU, YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND OUT

Do you know what a keylogger is? The irony is I know about this one thanks to my man. A keylogger is a computer app that can literally email you screenshots of everything webpage visited by that computer. So pretty much you get his passwords, see all his accounts, see all his porn, see everything if you want to.

HOWEVER KEYLOGGERS TEND TO SLOW DOWN YOUR COMPUTER.

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN’S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but ‘down under.’

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch…

BONUS QUESTION:
Q: What is a man’s Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose!

Ok so this going to hurt my reputation but for those who don’t know I’m married…

And my loving husband opened a facebook account and said he was widowed (unbelievable..right?)

Well, in response I made one as well, which in all honesty is 100% not me because my opinion on facebook is stupid and if you’re on it you’re just one of the masses…a sheep.

So look at what I did:

I’m calling it a facebook hickey

Prior to this Mr. DaProphet had tons of bitches (I only call them bitches because I don’t know their names individually) writing on his wall, sending him pictures, tagging those pictures..etc…

Hahaha…..not anymore!!

When I first met my hubby I was his number one friend on Myspace for about a year before I had ever met him. And no we didn’t meet because of the internet. It was chance that I ran into him at the North Riverside Mall one day. And basically we never separated since but look who’s number one again:

Take that! Take that! Take that!

I got the idea in Puerto Rico when I saw a car with a “car hickey” Some girl wrote all over a dude’s car saying she loves him, that he’s hers etc…

Funny thing is it works! Mr. Da Prophet hasn’t had any girls writing on his wall or messaging him anymore   Oh and I know because I have his password

Hey, Isaiah! I LOVE YOU!!! but you can’t forget I’m always watching…

Hahahaha! Now he’s going to be parnoid

What do you love? Who better to ask that Google.

Let’s face it they know what we are going to do before we do it

On June 27th, 2011 Google launched WDYL.com which is Google’s new search that presents the results of your searches across 20 different Google products on one page. For example I searched “Linux” and I got the following:

But then I wondered what would happen if the searched…

To my surprise I see Google already predicted that! And this what appears..Kittens with a rainbow background.

Kittens..hm..not to far off, right?

That’s why I you just got to love Google., always one step ahead of the game but always right on the money.

When a boy writes off the world it’s done in sloppy misspelled words if a girl writes off the world its done in cursive.

It’s the song I’ve been listening to all morning…I couldn’t believe I had almost forgotten it

For those who feel me, Sage Francis “The Cure”:

Lyrics:

Don’t deny that sick feeling in your stomach you can’t run from it.
let it guide you into high view and move beyond the summit.
from peeks to valleys speed through alleys if it’s done quick,
you’ll have time to find the caves where the days are never sunlit.

find the scriptures made by a society of blind men,
who suggest the best direction’s where you most likely will find them…
dead set on checkmates embracing a chess set.
when bedspreads get wet they’re left with the scent of death threats.

in 7 seconds I’ll become undone, I’m breaking through.
if you’re around by the time I reach number one I’m taking you.
You’re not the traveling type? Then hide your baggage better,
before you die a normal death and write the average letter

about your internal furnace,
and how life’s a sexually transmitted disease that you contracted from her kiss.
when a boy writes off the world it’s done with sloppy misspelled words if
a girl writes off the world it’s done in cursive.

I’m searching for the cure
this is a sickness
can you hear me, love?

i kick dirt for what it’s worth listening to the birds chirp
the same cryptic speech that the breeze speaks and sea repeats.
recognizing the cycles with every passing day.
writing full demands in the sand with my toe til crashing waves washed it away

i watch what i say now but I hate it.
trying to make my mark, afraid of the dark nature of vague statements
that plague vacant parking lots where shopping carts go uncollected.
that sick feeling in my stomach start to leave my heart and soul infected.

I won’t accept it. I do my best to reject patterns til it hurts,
every second making bad turns for the worse.
she’s getting further away I can feel it in the way my bones ache.
The ocean sealed it’s lips, now the waves won’t break.

The secrets it won’t say has got us trying to break codes in churches
and lately I’ve been hating its soul purpose.
when a boy writes off the world it’s done with sloppy misspelled words if
a girl writes off the world it’s done in cursive.

I’m searching for the cure
this is a sickness.
can you hear me, love?

Now I look for air pockets to pick, walk with a stick, start picking locks with it.
opening up heart-shaped lockets with little arguments.
the tawdry trinkets start to split and contradict
those who say one thing but think the opposite.

I bit the dust tongue kissing documents in a smoke stack.
faith is harder to swallow than pride it, turns our throats black.
I want my home back. i know that’s not an available option.
it’s the way that I’m walking in between a cradle and coffin

that makes me pace myself. if half the battle is done right,
the other half won’t take my health while jacking my shadow’s sunlight
to crack it open and find the space between my breaths are desolate
life is just a lie with an “f” in it and death is definite.

But after I scratched the surface
I never saw the calm before the storm act so nervous.
when a boy writes off the world it’s done with sloppy misspelled words if
a girl writes off the world it’s done in cursive.

I’m searching for her
Can you hear me, love?

The truth is now out there in a pleasantly sarcastic tone

I recently ran into a very enlightened and pretty girl on the net, Jenna Marbles and she has broken it down for us ladies in the most basic of terms what is expected from a women on a date.

First step:

Put on your hot girl disguise because you can’t expect to go on a date looking like yourself

We are women so we’re sexual object’s

The idea here is…putting on enough make-up so you look like you’re in an expensive porn. You wear something short, tight and that shows off your tata’s, enough perfume so he can smell it before he enters your house (the smell of desperation), lots of jewelry, since it means “I want to fuck you”  and you wear high heels  to meet that goal of having him wanting to “Make it rain on that ass…”.

Then pack you overly expensive with…..What men want :

• A sandwich, so he knows you can cook.
• Rubber gloves and cleaning supplies, so he knows you can clean too

Once on the date remember What men think:

Women are not smart

Not funny

Not interesting

So just have a fake laugh ready, make him feel as though he’s brilliant and when asked a question..think like a Miss America contestant..like..umm..

Check her out:

New podcast every Wednesday

This weekend Chicago hosted for the second time in the city’s history Exxxotica 2011 at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center in Rosemont. I had the luck of working the event and it was a blast!

I wore sexy outfits from X-IT

Tons of nudity, boobs, booties, porn stars and more……….

This beautiful thing:

gave me her phone number

Right in front of my booth was Alexis Amore and James Bartholet.  James fell in love with me, he gave me this:

It says, “Jackie, Stay Sexy. Your a Fox!”

Talk about old school right*

He wants me to go out to LA to see him…;)

But the most memorable event….getting fondled by Ron Jeremy!

When I saw him he looked like he had been having a ton of fun that night..like comming down..tired but we were closing when I  saw him by my booth and asked to take a picture with him. The 1st one he grabbed my ass and said, “Nice Ass” which I saw him do with everyone (so i didn’t feel special) but then picture number 2 was off the hook…check it out:

Yes he’s touching my boob

The photo is just a classic!

The Simpsons 22nd season has come to an end but they left us the citizens of TV to decide if Ned Flanders and Enda Krabappel should be the next super couple. In this last episode Ned and Edna started a little fling and she took him from this:

to this:

Which is a lot considering Ned’s stand against pre-marital relations and with his Christian background Edna’s sexual past has Ned worried:

Edna’s notorious bad girl past

So now it’s up to us the citizens of TV to decide if they should become a couple?

Visit The Simpsons to Vote Today

Homer promises not to use your personal information to get credit cards

The love and future happiness of Ned Flanders and Edna Krabappel are in your hands. Should Nedna be a couple? Vote now (and often), then tune in to the season premiere this Fall to watch the results.

Now it’s common to get your breast augmented but if you’re there should you choose saline or silicon? More importantly which looks more real?

First of all:What’s the difference between saline and silicone breast implants?

• Saline breast implants. Saline implants are filled with saline, usually at the time of surgery. Saline implants have been criticized for feeling hard or unnatural, but improved surgical techniques — such as placing the implant behind the chest muscle and slightly overfilling it — have lessened these complaints. Saline breast implants are available to women age 18 and older for breast augmentation, or women of any age for breast reconstruction.

• Silicone breast implants. Silicone implants are pre-filled with silicone gel — a thick, sticky fluid that closely mimics the feel of human fat. Some women feel that silicone breast implants look and feel more like natural breast tissue. Silicone breast implants are available to women age 22 and older for breast augmentation, or women of any age for breast reconstruction. source

Most Importantly which is more real?

“Women frequently compare the feel of saline implants to that of a water balloon, while silicone implants more mimic a woman’s natural breast tissue. In countries where silicone is available, patients will choose it 90 percent of the time” source

And there we have it it’s silicon all the way, unless you want water balloon boobs

It turns out mermaid’s are nothing like Disney’s Ariel. They are beautiful creatures who sing to sailors to enchant them.

Distracting them from their work and causing people to walk off a ship’s deck or to run their ship aground but unlike in other tales of rescue mermaids and  according to the new Pirates of the Caribbean mermaids surround sailors ships

In order to attack them, making them the original  man-eaters.

Which is actually very sexy!